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| I decided instead of doing one extreme or another, I will just eat healthy. (oh how i wish it were that simple)
so i've devised a 'plan' for me tomorrow to follow, because it seems thats the only way i'll ever get anything done...planning in advance:
B- small bowl of Special K with silk soy milk
S- Walnut/Cranberry/Rasin/Sunflower seed trail mix pouch
L- 'Bangkok Bowl'- noodles with tofu, korean chili garlic sauce and veggies
S- 1 apple OR 1 chewy granola (whichever my roommate is less pained to part with)
D- make a salad in the cafeteria, and sneak in my own tofu hehe
and then, due to tomorrow being my extra fun one class day...i have a workout class from 12-1.
should be good, if i do it...
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| So when I was finally happy and comfortable with myself, I stopped obsessing/working out/counting calories. Now i'm fat. This is not an exaggeration, or a distorted view of myself- I am fat. I need to start what kept me going before.
i'm a very strong believer in the philosophy that if you clean up yourself, your body, then the rest of your life will follow. When i lose weight, and get down to where I used to be, every aspect of my life will improve- my environment, my grades, my work and money. I spend money like i have it- and i leave for college in 1 month with only $500 to my name (I started off this summe rwith 1,200).
I'm unhappy and lazy and this will change.
-Peace | | |
| When I look back on about a year and a half ago I really can't believe it...
I was a little girl in a way, wrapped up in this fantasy- I don't even know if that should be the world, 'fantasy', because it could be very ugly and cruel sometimes. But I was in love and it was addicting and then I found out the TRUTH
I can't even allow myself to remember those days in bed. I just laid there thinking about it. It was the most horrible time of my life. This sounds so bad, and pathetic and low, but I can't remember how I got myself to keep going. I kind of remember thinking 'in a few months, it won't be so bad...but that is a few months away'. In a few months, it wasn't so bad. And during that summer it was the happiest I had been in a very very very long time. I found out that life is beautiful and worth living, and continuing my 'lesson' that those dark patches of time make the happiness that much more beautiful (corny, yes, but if you've read this consistently you know this is from a stout pessimist).
Im' STILL struggling, sometimes. But unlike then, (and even a few months ago), I am starting to really forgive and forget. I know he doesn't care if he's forgiven, and i know he enjoyed roughing me up on the ride, and I still don't know why, but for such a pathetic being...what a pitiful life he must have had thus far. For such a proclaimed spiritual and religious person, he is really very lost to think the way he does.
I am still in love with this boy I thought he was, but I (and am trying not to) hate the man who 'murdered him', in a sense. It's still very sad, but I think I need to make myself remember sometimes.
And I know no one will know what that's about. But thats ok, cause its for me :) | | |
| "Depression is the loneliest fucking thing on earth. There are no halfway houses for depressives, no Depression Anonymous meetings that I knew of. Yes, of course, there were mental hospitals like McLean and Bellevue and Payne Whitney and the Menninger Clinic, but I couldn't hope to end up in one of those places unless I made a suicide attempt serious enough to warrant oxygen or stitches or a stomach pump. Until then, I would remain woefully undertreated by a Manhattan psychiatrist who could offer only a little bit of help amid the chaos of my home life. I used to wish- to pray to God for the courage and strength- that I'd have the guts not to get better, but to slit my wrists and get a whole lot worse so that I could land in some mental ward, where real help might have been possible" When I think of all the things he did because he loved me- what people visit each other out of something like love. It's enough for all the world's woe. You don't even need hate to have a perfectly miserable time. | | |
| So I have a job now, I've worked at a jewelry place in the mall for 2 weeks (maybe?). Weight wise i'm horrible, i suck. Intake: b. oatmeal ball things (90) l. 1/2 strawberry poppyseed chicken salad from panera bread (77.5) & french baguette (140) d. probably rest of salad (77.5) I have a major crush on someone and I'm still in love with someone else. Which doesnt make sense, because I have no reason to be. and I'm one of those people completley obsessed with making sure I dont take everything they say too seriously. I always have to be skeptical because I dont want to be a 'stupid girl' that believes the guy and whatever they say because most of the time, girls think the guy likes them much more than they actually do. Oh yeah, duh. Outtake: 25 minutes ellyptical weights playing tetherball for forever at my old school haha, and just running around on a playground I suck seriously. Love. | | |
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